Shits and Giggles

What you are about to read is a prime example of how a routine exercise can go bad. It's an example of how quickly a controlled environment can go awry within SECONDS. It's an example of how the smallest error can lead to the biggest mess.

It's 9:30 and time for Preston's morning nap. I smell-check his diaper and determine it's safe to change him on the bed. So I lay him down, make a couple silly sounds to get him to laugh, and open up his diaper.

HOLY SCENT-FREE GERBER BANANA POO! This kid was loaded. It was the consistency of marshmallow fluff and it was everywhere...up his crack, in all his thigh creases and covering his lincoln log. Sick.

I lift him up one-handed by his ankles, and with my free hand reach for a wipe. Preston decides to twist and reach for the wipe, too. He's squirming and I'm telling him 'no' (as if he understands). He just laughs and wiggles and frees his right ankle. His foot lands directly in the poo diaper.

So I drop the wipe and try to pick up his ankle. At which time he reaches for his foot, getting poo on his hand.

Panic sets in. I just know this is going to get worse. I'm worried about poo on the bedspread. But why? Why am I not worried about the poo he is now smearing on his face?

Both ankles are now securely restrained in my one hand. I pull the dirty diaper out from under Preston and put a prefold underneath him in case he gets free and his bottom touches down. I pick the wipe back up and Preston grabs his lincoln log. Nice.

I drop his dirty butt onto the new diaper, and wipe his foot clean so that I could let go of his legs. I then start to clean his hands. At this point he pulls his legs up and both feet are dangling in the thick marshmallow-banana poo. Then Preston starts laughing and kicks me relentlessly. Now I have poo all over my shirt. Sick.

I reach for another wipe. But there aren't any more wipes. At least not in the bedroom. They are in the pantry in the kitchen. Because that is where I keep them. I keep them there because I am a dumbass.

At this point my only feasible option is to put Preston's poo-smothered body in the tub. I take a deep breath and pick him up. Walking into the bathroom the thick poo squishes out from between my forearm and his bottom, and I have to hold back the vomit.

I sit down on the side of the tub and move Preston onto my lap...which just spreads the poo onto my legs. And I don't even care. The poo beat me and I accept it.
I fidget with the tap until the water is warm and fill up his baby tub.

To make matters even worse (for me), Preston is happy in his tub. He's smiling and making sweet baby noises. All while sitting in floating poo flakes and chunks. This is all too third-world for me so his bath was quickly cut short. After all, he wasn't taking a bath for fun.

Ya know nobody ever shares these kind of parenting stories. It's all trips to the zoo, catching butterflies and flying kites. It's sitting on the porch swing at grandmas and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the crusts cut off.

But this is the real deal folks. Poo is real. Poo is the behind-the-scenes meat and bones of parenting. Now I know.


seadragon said...

Oh my goodness, this is the funniest story ever.

Sorry you had to live it in real life!

Seven Bells said...

I pissing myself laughing--what a great story, I hope it never happens to me, keep my fingers crossed.

Kriss said...

That brought literal tears to my eyes. So true, so true!!! You should enter that story to a baby magazine. I bet they would publish it! One time my son did almost the same thing but then vomited all down my bra as I was trying to put him in the tub. Then when I leaned over to adjust the water...he peed in my hair. ahhhhh, it was so gross..pooped on, vomited and peed on all in a matter of minutes. Ain't motherhood grand!

MBKimmy said...

hahaha lmao ... I really laughed really really loud ... my hubby was like what what tell me what is it .. as i read to him he got tears in his eyes and laughed just as loud as I did ...

we had a poop like that ... but ... ready ready for this ... at our very first Dr apointment ... yep crapped on the floor on me, on her and of course on the Dr. I was all emotional anyway and this did not make the crying STOP ... haha it was horrible!

Thanks for sharing it was fun!

Mary said...

This is hysterical! I am expecting my first in September and read your blog to get ready for all these things that no one warns you about. So, thank you!

erin said...

real moms talk about the poop! great story! hope you are enjoying cloth diapering! erin

Alexa said...

Bwhahahaha, that is a WONDERFUL story! I love those. It happens to us all and you've gotta love it cause you mostly laugh through it all when he is just smiling away at you.

Joe said...

This reminds of the time when I pooped myself on the merry go round. True story.

Sarah D. said...

Wow! I am a mother to-be...13 weeks prego. That was an inspiring story! This is also our first child. I can only imagine we will go through things like this. Your story made me laugh and touched me!

mandy said...

lol...awesome. well..for me anyways..:)

Anonymous said...

oh my word... that story just brought tears to my eyes!! your situation went from bad to worse!! its such a funny story!! your blog is great.. i know its like 4 months on, but i only just started reading it today!! Preston is gorgeous!!!